Your phone buzzes at 2 AM, and there it is—a rambling, misspelled message from someone who’s clearly had a few too many.
We’ve all been there, staring at our screens wondering whether to respond, ignore, or screenshot for posterity.
Navigating drunk texts requires equal parts humor, boundary-setting, and situational awareness, which is exactly why I’ve compiled this massive collection of over 285 replies that’ll help you handle any intoxicated message that slides into your inbox.
285+ Replies to “Drunk Texts”
Funny Replies to Drunk Texts That’ll Make Them Laugh
Humor diffuses awkwardness better than anything else when someone’s sending you wild messages after happy hour turned into happy several-hours.
Witty One-Liners for Ridiculous Messages
Did autocorrect have a few drinks too, or is this a new language?
I’m forwarding this to your future self for review.
This reads like a ransom note written by someone who forgot what they’re demanding.
Are you texting me or performing an interpretive dance on your keyboard?
I’ll respond properly once you pass a sobriety test.
Your drunk thoughts have more plot holes than a Netflix series.
This message brought to you by Jose Cuervo and questionable life choices.
I appreciate the effort, but I don’t speak whatever dialect this is.
Screenshot saved for your wedding slideshow.
Even Siri is confused, and she’s seen some things.
Is this a cry for help or abstract poetry? I genuinely can’t tell.
Your typing accuracy is impressive for someone in your current state.
I’m giving this message a 10/10 for ambition, 2/10 for execution.
Did you just pocket-dial me in text form?
This feels like mad libs written by someone who lost the instruction sheet.
Sarcastic Comebacks When They Text Nonsense
Wow, that’s deep. And by deep, I mean incomprehensible.
I’m sure this will seem like genius when you re-read it tomorrow.
Nothing says ‘I’m fine’ like a text that looks like alphabet soup.
Thanks for sharing this stream of consciousness with me at 2 AM.
Your phone should have a breathalyzer feature.
I love how confident you are in sentences that don’t exist.
This is why phones should have a drunk mode lockout.
Fascinating. Tell me more about this ‘philosophy’ of yours.
I’m taking notes for when you inevitably ask ‘Did I text you last night?’
Bold of you to assume I’m awake for this chaos.
Your drunk self has terrible timing but excellent comedic instincts.
I’ll add this to the anthology of ‘Things That Seemed Important at the Time.’
This message has real ‘I’ll regret this tomorrow’ energy.
Your subconscious is trying to tell you something—mostly to drink water.
I’m equal parts confused and entertained. Mostly confused.
Playful Responses That Keep Things Light
You’re adorable when you’re a mess. Please hydrate.
Alright, I’m listening. Hit me with more of this wisdom.
I can’t tell if you need a ride, a hug, or a nap.
This is the content I signed up for when we became friends.
You owe me breakfast for reading this masterpiece.
I’m here for drunk you’s energy, honestly.
Never change. Actually, maybe change your relationship with tequila.
This is why we’re friends—you keep life interesting.
I’m impressed you remembered how to unlock your phone.
Sending this back to you tomorrow with commentary.
You’re lucky I find this entertaining instead of annoying.
What’s the drunk version of you trying to accomplish here?
I appreciate the chaos you bring to my notifications.
This is either brilliant or terrible, and I can’t decide which.
Your drunk confidence is inspiring and slightly concerning.
Humorous Deflections for Awkward Confessions
Let’s revisit this when you remember sending it.
That’s a conversation for sober you and sober me.
I’m going to pretend my phone died right after reading this.
Bold move, Cotton. Let’s see how this plays out.
Filing this under ‘Discuss Never’ unless you bring it up first.
Your secret’s safe with me and everyone I screenshot this to. Kidding. Mostly.
I think you meant to send this to your diary.
Let’s blame autocorrect and never speak of this again.
This feels like a morning coffee conversation, not a midnight text.
I’m invoking the ‘what happens while drunk stays while drunk’ clause.
I’ll need you to confirm this when you’re capable of complete sentences.
Interesting theory. Let’s test its validity tomorrow afternoon.
That’s certainly one way to express yourself.
I’m giving you a 12-hour grace period to retract this statement.
Your vulnerability is showing, and I’m going to politely ignore it for now.
Clever Responses to Drunk Texts from Friends
When your friends start blowing up your phone after a night out, you’ve got options beyond a simple “lol.”
Roasting Your Bestie’s Intoxicated Rambles
This is exactly why I didn’t go out with you tonight.
You’re the reason our group chat needs a ‘drunk archive’ folder.
I’m starting a tally of how many times you’ve done this. We’re at 47.
Your drunk personality is just your regular personality with worse spelling.
Remember when you said you were ‘just having one drink’? I remember.
This text has the same energy as your karaoke performances.
You’re the friend I’d trust with my life but not with my phone passcode.
I’m commissioning a statue in honor of whatever made you think this was a good idea.
Your future kids will hear about this at their graduation.
This is why bartenders should card you based on decision-making skills, not age.
I love that you’re consistent—consistently terrible at holding your liquor.
You text like someone who’s trying to communicate with aliens.
This friendship has survived worse, but barely.
I’m screen-recording this entire conversation for evidence.
You’re going to wake up tomorrow and immediately text me ‘I didn’t, did I?’
Supportive Yet Amusing Replies for Your Squad
I love you, but you’re a disaster. Need me to call you?
You’re my favorite hot mess. Drink some water.
This is hilarious, but also are you safe?
I’m judging you lovingly from my couch.
You’re lucky I find your chaos endearing instead of exhausting.
I’m here if you need an escape plan from wherever you are.
This text screams ‘I made questionable choices’ and I’m here for it.
I can’t tell if you need a therapist or just French fries.
Your drunk self is more honest than most people’s sober selves.
I’m concerned, amused, and slightly jealous of your confidence.
Text me your location so I know where to send the embarrassment.
You’re lucky you’re entertaining, or I’d have blocked you three drinks ago.
This is exactly the kind of friendship crisis I excel at handling.
I’m taking notes for your future intervention.
Love you, mean it, drink water, text me when you’re home.
Inside Joke Callbacks That Hit Different
Is this another ‘remember that thing we swore we’d never mention’ situation?
This has the same energy as that time at Jake’s party.
Are we doing this again? Because last time did NOT end well.
Flashback to 2019 when you sent basically this exact text.
I’m getting déjà vu, and not the good kind.
This is giving me flashbacks I’ve tried very hard to suppress.
Remember when you promised you’d learned your lesson? I remember.
This is the sequel nobody asked for.
We literally joked about you doing this exact thing.
I’m experiencing secondhand embarrassment and I’m not even there.
Protective Responses When They Need Help
Funny text, but seriously—you good? Need me to come get you?
This is entertaining but also concerning. Text me back so I know you’re okay.
I’m laughing, but I’m also ready to Uber to wherever you are.
Before I roast you, are you safe right now?
You sound like you’re having fun, but send me your location just in case.
I need confirmation that you’re with people you trust.
This is funny, but text me ‘purple’ so I know you’re actually okay.
I’m setting my alarm to check on you in an hour.
Love the energy, hate the potential danger. Where are you?
Your texts are wild, but I’m genuinely making sure you’re safe.
Smart Replies to Drunk Texts from Your Ex
Drunk texts from exes require surgical precision—you’re navigating nostalgia, boundaries, and the knowledge that they might regret this tomorrow.
Boundary-Setting Responses That Stay Classy
I appreciate you reaching out, but this isn’t a conversation we should have right now.
Hey, I think you’re in a headspace where this won’t end well. Let’s not.
I’m not the person you should be texting tonight.
This seems like something you’ll feel differently about tomorrow.
I care about you, but we’ve moved past this kind of communication.
I think drunk you is forgetting why sober us decided to move on.
This isn’t fair to either of us. Talk to me when you’re sober if you still feel this way.
I’m going to pretend this didn’t happen for both our sakes.
We ended for good reasons. Midnight texts don’t change those reasons.
I hope you’re okay, but I’m not the right person to have this conversation with.
Polite But Firm “No Thanks” Messages
I’m glad you’re thinking of me, but no.
This isn’t happening. Take care of yourself tonight.
I think you know this isn’t a good idea.
No. Drink water, go to sleep, move on.
I’m not revisiting this, especially not at 1 AM.
I appreciate the sentiment, but my answer hasn’t changed.
You’re texting the wrong person if you’re looking for what I think you’re looking for.
This ship has sailed, docked, and been decommissioned.
That’s gonna be a no from me, chief.
I’m flattered but also very, very not interested.
Short Answers That Don’t Reignite Drama
Hope you’re okay.
Thanks, but let’s leave this in the past.
Good talk. Goodnight.
I don’t think so.
Probably not the best idea.
Let’s not do this.
Take care.
I’m going to head out of this conversation.
Nope.
I think we’re done here.
Flirty Answers to Drunk Texts from Your Crush
When someone you’re interested in texts you after a few drinks, you’ve got a golden opportunity—if you play it right.
Playful Teasing Without Seeming Too Eager
Are you always this charming after happy hour?
Someone’s feeling bold tonight. I’m not complaining.
This is cute. You’re cute. Carry on.
Drunk you has excellent taste in who to text.
I’m flattered that I’m on your mind right now.
This is either really sweet or really regrettable. Let’s see where it goes.
You’re lucky you’re adorable when you’re a mess.
I appreciate drunk you’s confidence. Does sober you have the same energy?
This is the kind of chaos I can get behind.
You’re making this very interesting, and I’m here for it.
Drunk texts from you hit different, not gonna lie.
You’re either very brave or very intoxicated. Possibly both.
I’m saving this for when you try to act cool around me tomorrow.
This is way more entertaining than whatever I was doing.
Your drunk self is surprisingly honest. I like it.
Sweet Responses That Show Interest
This made me smile. Text me when you’re sober?
I’ve been hoping you’d reach out. Even if it took liquid courage.
You’re kind of adorable right now, just so you know.
I like hearing from you, drunk or not.
This is actually really sweet. Let’s continue this conversation tomorrow.
You’re on my mind too, if we’re being honest.
I’m glad you texted. Now drink some water and text me in the morning.
Drunk you is saying things I hope sober you means.
This is the best random text I’ve gotten in a while.
You made my night with this. No joke.
Witty Banter to Keep the Chemistry Alive
Bold move. I respect it.
You’re fun when you’re unfiltered. I’m taking notes.
Is this the part where I swoon, or should I wait for the sober follow-up?
You’re dangerously charming right now.
I’m intrigued. Continue.
This conversation is going places. Not sure where, but places.
You’ve got my attention. What are you going to do with it?
Smooth, even with the typos.
I’m adding ‘gets flirty texts from cute people’ to my list of accomplishments today.
You’re making me wish I’d gone out tonight.
Testing the Waters: Gauge Their Sober Intentions
This is interesting. Will you remember this tomorrow?
I’m curious if you’ll follow through on this when you’re sober.
Let’s see if you have the same energy in the morning.
I’m holding you to this conversation tomorrow.
Drunk words, sober thoughts? We’ll find out.
I’m screenshotting this so you can’t deny it later.
This is either the beginning of something or a funny story. Either way, I’m in.
I’ll take this seriously if you bring it up again when you’re coherent.
Is this a preview of sober you, or am I getting special drunk-access content?
I’m giving you 24 hours to confirm or deny this.
Professional Replies to Drunk Texts (Yes, It Happens)
Sometimes colleagues or acquaintances send drunk messages, creating awkwardness that requires diplomatic navigation.
Diplomatic Responses to Coworkers’ Tipsy Messages
Haha, looks like you’re having a good night! See you Monday.
I think you meant to send this to someone else. No worries!
Hope you’re having fun! Let’s catch up during office hours.
This seems like a conversation for tomorrow. Enjoy your night!
I’m going to pretend I didn’t see this. Have a great weekend!
Let’s revisit this during daylight hours when we’re both professional.
I appreciate the thought, but let’s keep work stuff to work hours.
This is a bit outside our usual communication. Everything okay?
I think this was meant for someone in your personal circle!
Let’s circle back on this Monday morning over coffee.
Setting Boundaries with Acquaintances
I don’t really know you well enough for late-night texts. Take care!
This feels a bit random. Hope you’re doing okay though.
I think you’ve got the wrong number or wrong context here.
This is outside my comfort zone for our relationship. Have a good night.
I’m not sure why you’re reaching out, but this isn’t appropriate.
Let’s keep our interactions to [specific context]. Thanks!
I don’t think this is the kind of friendship we have.
This crossed a line. Please don’t text me like this again.
I’m uncomfortable with this message. Let’s maintain boundaries.
This isn’t okay. I hope you understand that tomorrow.
Tactful Answers That Preserve Relationships
I can tell you’re having fun! Let’s connect when you’re free this week.
Sounds like a great night! Talk soon.
Haha, enjoy yourself! We’ll chat later.
Glad you thought of me, but let’s save the conversation for later.
This is sweet, but I think sober you would want to have this conversation differently.
I appreciate you reaching out. Let’s plan something proper soon!
This is funny timing! Let’s catch up for real sometime.
I’m not ignoring you, just suggesting we talk when it’s better timing.
Love the energy! Let’s channel this into an actual hangout.
Thanks for thinking of me. Hit me up tomorrow if you still want to chat.
Savage Responses to Drunk Texts You Don’t Want
Sometimes you need to shut things down with brutal honesty because subtle hints aren’t working.
Brutal Shutdowns for Annoying Exes
This is why we’re not together anymore.
You have my number confused with someone who cares.
Delete this. Delete my number. Delete the memory of my existence.
This is pathetic, and you know it.
I’d say ‘text me when you’re sober,’ but actually don’t.
You’re embarrassing yourself, and I’m embarrassed for you.
This is exactly why I never looked back.
The alcohol is making you forget why I left.
No amount of drinking makes this a good idea.
I’m going to do us both a favor and not respond to any more of these.
Cold Replies for Unwanted Attention
No.
Stop.
Not interested.
This ain’t it.
Hard pass.
Did I stutter when I said we’re done?
You really thought this would work?
Absolutely not.
This is awkward for you.
I’d rather not.
One-Word Answers That Speak Volumes
Nope.
Yikes.
Oof.
Anyway…
K.
“Sure.” (dripping with sarcasm)
Cool.
Bye.
Really?
Why?
Blocking-Level Comebacks
This is your final warning before I block you.
I’m one text away from screenshotting this and sending it to everyone we know.
You’ve officially earned a permanent spot on my block list.
This is harassment at this point.
I’m documenting this pattern of behavior.
Do not contact me again. This is not a joke.
Your drunk self is proving why blocking you was the right choice.
I’m done being polite. Leave me alone.
This crosses every boundary I’ve set. We’re done.
Block incoming in 3…2…1…
Sweet and Caring Replies to Drunk Texts
Not every intoxicated message deserves snark—sometimes people genuinely need compassion.
Compassionate Responses for Vulnerable Confessions
I hear you, and I’m here. Let’s talk more tomorrow when you can really process this.
That sounds really hard. I’m glad you’re opening up, even if it’s messy right now.
You’re going through something, and I want to support you properly. Can we talk soon?
I appreciate your honesty. This deserves a real conversation, not a drunk text thread.
Thank you for trusting me with this. Let’s unpack it together when you’re feeling better.
I can tell this has been weighing on you. I’m here whenever you need me.
This is clearly important to you, so let’s give it the attention it deserves tomorrow.
You’re being vulnerable, and I respect that. Let’s continue this when you’re sober.
I’m not dismissing what you’re saying. I just want to make sure we do this right.
Your feelings matter, drunk or not. Let me know when you want to really talk.
Checking In When They Seem Unsafe
Where are you right now? I want to make sure you’re okay.
Who are you with? Just checking in because this text is concerning.
Do you need me to call someone for you?
I’m worried about you. Can you send me a quick status update?
This doesn’t sound like you’re in a good place. What’s going on?
Are you safe? That’s all I care about right now.
I need you to text me back so I know you’re alright.
Should I be worried? Because I’m getting worried.
Is there someone with you who can make sure you get home?
Text me when you’re home safe. I’m not sleeping until I hear from you.
Affirming Messages for Emotional Outpourings
I love you too, and we’ll talk about this properly tomorrow.
You’re important to me. Always. Even when you’re a drunken mess.
I’m glad I’m the person you think of when you’re feeling like this.
You matter to me, and nothing changes that—not even these texts.
Your feelings are valid, even if the timing is questionable.
I see you. I hear you. We’ll figure this out together.
You’re not alone in whatever you’re going through.
Thank you for letting me be part of your support system.
I’m honored you trust me with this, even in this state.
You’re going to be okay. We’re going to be okay.
Friendship-Strengthening Replies
This is why we’re friends—you can be a complete disaster and I’ll still love you.
You’re stuck with me, drunk texts and all.
I wouldn’t trade our chaos for anything.
Conclusion
Responding to drunk texts is equal parts art and strategy—knowing when to laugh, when to set boundaries, and when to show genuine concern makes all the difference.
The 285+ replies in this guide give you options for every scenario, whether you’re dealing with friends, exes, crushes, or awkward professional situations. Remember: humor diffuses tension, boundaries protect your peace, and compassion strengthens real connections when it matters most.
FAQs
How do I reply to a drunk text?
Match your response to intent—use humor, boundaries, or concern as needed.
Should I respond to drunk texts immediately or wait?
Wait unless it’s a safety issue or you’re okay engaging then.
What if someone sends me inappropriate drunk texts?
Set firm boundaries or ignore—never feel obliged to reply.
How can I tell if a drunk text is sincere?
If it fits their usual behavior, it’s likely real; confirm when sober.
Is it okay to screenshot drunk texts?
Only privately for fun—never share publicly or use maliciously.
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